doggiedynasty: (You are my Hero)
[personal profile] doggiedynasty
Note to self: DO not, DO NOT write a blog entry while I'm rushing to leave somewhere.

Now it looks like I wasn't making much sense OR I missed something. My mindset at the time was to express as much as I could.

Indeed. I did take time off. When my niece wasn't around, I cleaned house; I worked and babysat so much that, IMO, I neglected any heavy cleaning at home. Yet, I cleaned my workplace virtually every morning. It didn't seem fair to me. Once my niece came back, the mental burden returned. I lose patience quicker than usual; time off is time off, and I can't get over the thoughts of babysitting and not getting paid enough.

So why was I upset about work and why did I almost want to quit? When I returned from my break, Labor day went away and there was already some quitters. Even this week; then I see new faces quickly.

I felt a little better a few days ago because most co-workers take the time of their day to tell me that I do a good job and that "I work hard". But half the team doesn't seem to be the same way? Am I just wasting time? Sure, after you're used to your position tediously, you tend to get lax.

Was I just working out of desperation to avoid being fired? I wanted to enjoy my job, but I was getting influenced by my co-workers' negative energy. SO I felt like I was in a shitty, uninspiring place because I didn't have much higher to shoot, and I worked just because I had to. That's a problem with working kids, and yet they succeed so well for some reason, getting jobs with better pay.

Sure, customer service can be a pain, but so is constantly complaining, not trying your best and thinking of consequences.

Two weeks at least, I felt like crap. That's just how I am. I try to maintain an calm and understanding, but aren't I fragile?

So with these thoughts building up, Katsuki-san's thoughts were a shock. Thus, coincidence.

"Love myself". I believed her, but I didn't think it was something easy to follow. I nearly cried. I can feel like a loser so easily, but she can look at others and say simple things so that they can live on a path to aim for something.

But it's so hard. What should I love? Ambition? Living differently? Being naive? Admitting mistakes?

Inoue Kazuhiko's final message had to do with "thoughts of dream" and "keyword"; I can't really figure out Seki Tomokazu's but may be "not useless"; Nozawa Masako is "try your best!"; I can't get Chiba Shigeru, Hirano Fumi or Kamiya Akira's yet; Furukawa Toshio is the NEXT and LAST GUEST!

...but Katsuki-san master of intuitive, no stress style was "growth" and "love" ("daisuki" and "ai"). My poor chest.

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September 2015

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