Sep. 19th, 2015

doggiedynasty: (Super Cry)
Old ladies making old ladies cry

She is my freakin hero...!~

A follow up of a previous entry. When they said "instruction", that's what I was expecting. Turns out she is quite sensitive and cooperative with a "stress relief" method and a positive, free way of thinking.

I can't absorb all the details (will report my heart out here when ready.)< because I'm still so amazed, but there's one thing that really sticks out from the entire program. Each instructor, at the end of the program, gives a final message. This isn't the entire thing, but this is the gist of it: "I love myself .... everyone, please love yourselves as well."

I went crazy.

"What the...?! Why?" Why did she say this?! And all of a sudden?!

It's like I loved her more. No, I was completely touched, maybe abnormally so. I nearly cried like I watched a Disney death scene or the like because I could not believe it. I wanted to bury my face into a chest; apparently hugging is a little outrageous in Japan but I felt that way.

I was shocked and touched because not just what she said was right but because it's was a total coincidence with my recent feelings, and I have trouble following such a message. it was a completely simple message.

For the past two weeks, I was just upset with myself. Even as I type, I still kind of am. Not AS much as before, but still confused. I took time off work and it's like I became more upset admist relaxing (or I was supposed to). I wanted to quit my job too because I couldn't get over the idea that I was where I was now due to being incompetent and poor, and I couldn't brainstorm over how to fix it. I'm ambitious, but am I working to hard for a low wage? Am I caring too much? In fact, I have a notice template saved on word document if I came to the point that I wanted to leave work. So, I had those kind of black thoughts.

I told myself that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, believe in oneself, etc.

Despite that, I was not self-satisfied. I was still broke, and you can see more in my locked "Doggie story" entries. No need to talk about it again. So why does this still gather above my head to bother me? Because I feel like I'm not sharp enough to find a solution. Is it friends/social interaction? Is it patience?

So when I saw that message, I was unexpectedly filled with emotion. I still thought "how", at the same time, I was deeply touched and surprised. It could've been anyone else who said it, but I was overwhelmed this time.

And for some reason, I felt an underlying dread that something was going to happen to her.
doggiedynasty: (You are my Hero)
Note to self: DO not, DO NOT write a blog entry while I'm rushing to leave somewhere.

Now it looks like I wasn't making much sense OR I missed something. My mindset at the time was to express as much as I could.

Indeed. I did take time off. When my niece wasn't around, I cleaned house; I worked and babysat so much that, IMO, I neglected any heavy cleaning at home. Yet, I cleaned my workplace virtually every morning. It didn't seem fair to me. Once my niece came back, the mental burden returned. I lose patience quicker than usual; time off is time off, and I can't get over the thoughts of babysitting and not getting paid enough.

So why was I upset about work and why did I almost want to quit? When I returned from my break, Labor day went away and there was already some quitters. Even this week; then I see new faces quickly.

I felt a little better a few days ago because most co-workers take the time of their day to tell me that I do a good job and that "I work hard". But half the team doesn't seem to be the same way? Am I just wasting time? Sure, after you're used to your position tediously, you tend to get lax.

Was I just working out of desperation to avoid being fired? I wanted to enjoy my job, but I was getting influenced by my co-workers' negative energy. SO I felt like I was in a shitty, uninspiring place because I didn't have much higher to shoot, and I worked just because I had to. That's a problem with working kids, and yet they succeed so well for some reason, getting jobs with better pay.

Sure, customer service can be a pain, but so is constantly complaining, not trying your best and thinking of consequences.

Two weeks at least, I felt like crap. That's just how I am. I try to maintain an calm and understanding, but aren't I fragile?

So with these thoughts building up, Katsuki-san's thoughts were a shock. Thus, coincidence.

"Love myself". I believed her, but I didn't think it was something easy to follow. I nearly cried. I can feel like a loser so easily, but she can look at others and say simple things so that they can live on a path to aim for something.

But it's so hard. What should I love? Ambition? Living differently? Being naive? Admitting mistakes?

Inoue Kazuhiko's final message had to do with "thoughts of dream" and "keyword"; I can't really figure out Seki Tomokazu's but may be "not useless"; Nozawa Masako is "try your best!"; I can't get Chiba Shigeru, Hirano Fumi or Kamiya Akira's yet; Furukawa Toshio is the NEXT and LAST GUEST!

...but Katsuki-san master of intuitive, no stress style was "growth" and "love" ("daisuki" and "ai"). My poor chest.

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